my phone needs a breathalizer
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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