if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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