I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
