We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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