She is in my trunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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