We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
