well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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