My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She made me pour olive oil on her.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
