My cat gives me a boner
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
