I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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