apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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