One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
