Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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