I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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