Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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