remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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