i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
