Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if only i could text you this smell
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
