sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
