He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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