How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
