remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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