I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
