she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
