Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
