sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
