mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
