My liver just broke up with me...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
