my phone needs a breathalizer
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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