I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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