I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
