1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
