textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dignity is for republicans.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
