Will you blow on my dice?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
