He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
