yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I love having hate sex.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
