Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When are your genitals available?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
