We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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