My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
