Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
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From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
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You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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