Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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