genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
soo... how was my night?
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