70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
