Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
