i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
