people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
