Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
