we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
