Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
