there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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