there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
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The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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